Home
Writing   
06:28am 04/04/2004
 
mood: quixotic
music: Placebo - Little Mo
I've been writing a lot lately, and putting it into xanga.

I realize that I want to be heard. I want to be published.
I may even want to do this professionally.

Of course, I know I will never do it for a living. I need to find something I can do as a 'day job' but what?
I want to be able to make a decent living off my day job, and still have time to write. I need to go to college, which will suck up any time I'd have for writing for years, as well as put me in an incredible amount of debt.. and I'm not even sure what I want to do.

I'm just lost right now. In all the unimportant things.

Can someone figure me out? Please?


And, of course, girls are still terrifying, confusing, and unattainable.		  
     Read 4 - Post
 
Boy Meets Girl... Boy Meets Girl Again.   
12:14am 16/02/2004
 
mood: giddy
music: Modest Mouse - 3rd Planet
I haven't changed my mind about Jackie in over a month. I'm sure of it, now. I feel great that I am.

Things turned bad. I let a moment of doubt allow me to make a mistake. With her best friend. I have no idea how I have been forgiven. My only saving grace was her practicality, irrationality, and the fact we were not officially dating, yet.

It had brought us closer. We talk every day now, whereas before, we would go a week to a week and a half without talking at all. I like it better now, even though I feel awful for the mistake I made. But, it is in the past. I learned from it. I'll never do something like that again. So, here I am, prepared to give her my all, and prepared to do everything I can to make myself deserve the second chance with her.

She called me wonderful tonight. I was told she doesn't use the word wonderful. And yet, I am wonderful. I can't believe I'm wonderful... but I'll do all I can to be wonderful to her. She also said she liked my music.

For the past year and a half or so, I have changed my mind a lot. I got very good at walking away. If something happened to a girl prospect that interrupted a smooth and easy and flawless dating scheme, I just walked away. Whatever, you know? I could find another. I had other interests. Jackie, though... well, this one is different.

She's not like everyone else I know. Most everyone I know is open, and easy to read, especially for me. Jackie, despite thinking the same way I do, is an enigma. This could possibly be because she thinks the same way I do. Who really knows? All I can do is ask her, and sometimes she doesn't tell me. That's all right, though. It's just another thing that makes her unique.

I don't know. All I know is that when I was unsure, I kept coming back. Now that I'm sure, I'm going to stay. I'm falling for her, real hard. This time, I'm not going to hold back. Honesty, in every sense. It is important to be Earnest.		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
Possibilities   
05:01am 31/01/2004
  The possibilities with Jackie intrigue me a great deal. I've decided that I am incredibly interested in her, and want to get to know her better. Ashley and I are just friends and I'm quite happy with that.

Work is work.. good lord I need some money. Working on Super Bowl Sunday is going to be the epitome of all stupid. I'm going to make 2.13 an hour..

The sad thing is I really, really need that 2.13 an hour.		  
     Post
 
Me   
03:00am 18/01/2004
 
mood: pessimistic
music: Modest Mouse - Dramamine
I am a horrible person. I stab my friends in the back.

And he doesn't even know it.

And I can't tell him.

Edit:/

But I think he might know.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
Vaginamancy   
05:49pm 16/01/2004
 
mood: sick
music: Cursive - The Recluse
Girls and their mind games. It's both incredible, and ridiculous.

I am a worrier. I worry about everything. I worry about other people's problems.
Lately, I've been worrying about financial issues, and that's always been in the back of my mind. Last night, the proverbial pencil broke when Jackie wrote something rather confusing and misleading on her xanga. I was quite worried about my status as the guy she is interested in. So, I freaked out. As I sometimes do, and everything came to a head.

And she knew what she was doing.

She didn't expect me to freak out, I'm sure. And she did tell me that it was nothing to worry about. But, once again, I worry about everything. So, I go nuts, and literally worry myself sick. Literally.

But, at least I didn't have to work tonight. Of course, that would have helped with the financial concerns.

Oh well.

Girls and their Vaginamancy... when will it ever end?
Oh, right. Never. Shit.		  
     Post
 
Arguments   
05:48am 09/01/2004
 
mood: frustrated
music: Elliot Smith - Morning After
So, tonight at Neon (80s dance night)my best friend and room mate Adam took a picture of me dancing with my friend Schuyler. In the picture, I looked incredibly ridiculous in a bad bad way. I was making a terrible face and it made me look like a complete asshole. He has a xanga and he was posting the pictures, and I asked him not to post it. He wanted to very much, just to make me look like an ass. I really did not want the picture up at all, because a lot of my friends, including my current romantic interest and the girl I was dancing with, read his xanga. So, a little pleading was done and he got pissed off. What right did he have of getting pissed off? So, he didn't get to make me look like a complete jackass. So? Shouldn't it have been ME getting pissed off?

I'm tired of other people always having the upper hand. I'm tired of being unable to create conflict with people. It's not that I'm spineless, because that's hardly the case. But I prefer manipulating situations instead of changing them with force of will. Problem is, when I don't have an upper hand, manipulation is all but impossible.

Oh well, he left the picture off. I guess I should be happy about that.		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
Falling   
12:33pm 07/01/2004
  I'm falling for this girl and I'm trying to keep my head from hitting the bottom of that shallow pool. I'm diving in, but I'm making an attempt at diving in feet first this time. It's going to be tough though. Real tough. Jackie is absolutely gorgeous, she's got a sharp mind, and she is the best cuddler ever.

What are we?
I don't know.

It's not nothing though, so it must be something. Mutual attraction is a definite. I just want to hold her like I did on New Year's Eve, and talk to her this time. Really talk.		  
     Post
 
   
04:23am 02/01/2004
 
mood: contemplative
music: The Postal Service - Recycled Air
All right. So there's this girl. Damn. We've run into one another a few times. We knew each other by name, and had a few small conversations. But last night, for new year's eve, Kristie, a good friend of mine, had a party. Jackie was there. We all played strip poker and everyone got to know one another quite well. After all the nakedness was over, we went up to watch Almost Famous. Jackie laid down on the floor and I lay down next to her. She said she wanted a pillow and I stuck my arm out. She put her head on it, and then quickly moved it to my chest.

Quick note. This girl is beautiful. I've always thought so.

So, after a quick rush of breath, I realized that yes, this girl was cuddling closer to me.

Another note. I'm a sucker for cuddling.

Through the course of the next 20 minutes, we got closer and closer, and she wrapped her arm around me. Another gasp of breath.

So we lay there until the movie ends. She's asleep. Iand the other people in the room talk a bit. We decide that everyone should move to the basement, where actual beds are.

So Jackie and I take Kristie's bed. Jade and her boyfriend Brenden join us. The room is full of bodies. I have never been more comfortable in such a cramped space as I was with Jackie in my arms. We fit perfectly together, like puzzle pieces. So the night passes. There is much catnapping, as the bed is not made for four, and Brenden and I make that small sacrifice of having half our bodies hanging off the bed so the girls are comfortable. Like I said, he's a good guy.

Sleeping next to a girl is a big thing for me. I'm a little unsure of what this means with Jackie and I, but in the morning she woke up with a stomach flu. I held her, and brought her medicine, and held her more. She wondered why I didn't go away. I want to tell her. I want to tell her a lot of things. I want to ask her a lot of things too. I want to get to know her better.


I am full of hope.


This shall be a great year, indeed.		  
     Post
 
"It would be better if we were just friends"   
05:42am 29/12/2003
 
mood: crushed
music: Dog's Eye View - Umbrella
I have this bitter taste rising in my throat and it hit my mouth and now all I can feel is bitterness. It seeps out and on to my skin and I try to shake it off. I'm not bitter about it, god damn it. I'm really not. It's just everything. I've seen the moon change from dark to dark again 235 times. And I'm bitter about every time the darkness came, and I fear every time the darkness will come. The velvety dark blue blanket wraps around me and others are comfortable but my breath makes it all stale and warm. I stagnate the air around me covered in my blankets of fear and mistrust. Not that I have mistrusted you. I have not. In fact, I trust you and I know you won't spill my secrets on the floor for others to step on and smear into the carpet.

They are the sweetest poison. I beg for them on my lips. I wrench away when they leave. Doubled over coughing on my living room floor begging for nothing but to hold the vial close to me again, wishing to drink more from the cup of intimacy. No cool water there, but harsh whiskey distilled from the stills of miscommunication and misunderstanding. A harsh liquor that burns on the way down but leaves you lightheaded after a few teasing drops. It burns, but the burning makes you warm.

Bitter? Yes... I am as bitter as this whiskey has made me. I absorbed it like a sponge and now with every jostle, and every squeeze it rushes out of my pores and infects the very stale air surrounding me.		  
     Post
 
   
02:30am 27/12/2003
  I don't know what to think. I really fucking don't. Maybe I do have a shot at Porter. I don't know. I don't think she knows.

Nice guys only finish last because some asshole cuts their tendon.		  
     Post
 
Relationships   
04:45am 26/12/2003
 
mood: thoughtful
music: Modest Mouse - Four Leaf Clover
Two friends of mine are perfect for each other and only one of them knows it. Actually, everyone knows it but her. Why is she so blind? The other is my room mate. I hate to see him hurt this much. He thinks he is a fool but he is wrong. She is.

I got an explanation as to why my feelings for a certain girl, whom we will call Porter, as that is her name, aren't returned. She thinks I am special. She thinks I am unique and wonderful. She sees me as a nice guy, who would make any girl lucky to have me. Why doesn't she have me? Because she is afraid of hurting me. She wouldn't know how to act. Why can't she see that I am where I am because I've been hurt? And I am happy where I am. And all she has to do is be herself and be honest. It is easy.

I had a wonderful christmas, because everyone else did too.		  
     Post
 
   
09:48am 25/12/2003
 
mood: listless
music: Darkness - Christmas Time
So, it's Christmas morning. We did the opening presents bit. I just don't feel it anymore. I want to take back the shirts my mom got me, and I want to take back the electric scooter I received. I don't see the use for them, is the thing.

If Danielle sees this, then I want to let her know that this is my favorite christmas present. I hope that I can keep it away from too many people. I need a place that is mine.		  
     Post
 
 
bohnes
 
 

Advertisement